WELCOME TO CHOP’T INNOVATION KITCHEN, HERE ARE YOUR PROTECTIVE GOGGLES
Can I get something started for you? A Cucumber Lemon Tahini? Great. Any substitutions? You got it.
Did you want chickpeas on that? Olives? Ok and light, medium or heavy on the dressing?
Cool now did you want that Chop't today with our traditional double-bladed mezzaluna
or with the Mezzaluna Quattro, our concept chopper?
It's four blades pulsating at around 380 rpm. Yes, it's perfectly safe.
Ok, then can I interest you in any of our other blade offerings?
I have these Chinese butterfly swords that date back to the Qing Dynasty. They’re a popular #TBT post.
Ah, I can see you’re eyeing those big whirling blades behind me. Those are pneumatic,
which means they’re good for chopping arugula. Now, if you’re looking to get kale down
to a nice size, I'd recommend this laser guided Miter Saw. But you’ve got chickpeas in your
salad, so that's going to interfere with the laser's optical sighting. If I were you, I’d go with
this hydraulic robot arm wielding a Moroccan scimitar.
Hey is something wrong? I get it. Our curated brand experience isn't for everyone.
But don’t worry, ok? We're going to do everything we can to get your salad down into
manageable bites of unrecognizable chlorophyll pulp.
Hey Phil, you done with the chipper? Yeah just wheel it over here for me. Thanks.
Now, this may look like your standard SSI Model 2000-H Industrial Wood Chipper,
but it's been completely overhauled. You've got 38,000 lbs of torque powering four spinning drums
with interlocking steel teeth. As you can see, we've got it rigged up to a 15-foot conveyor belt for carrots,
but we can fairly quickly swap out that in-feed manifold and get your cucumbers going.
Whoa are you bleeding? Did I not mention the giant pendulum blade that swings down from
the ceiling every 5 minutes? Yeah we use it to strengthen the customer gene pool and chop cabbage.
You should be fine though. Leafy greens are supposed to improve blood clotting.
Ok, let’s talk croutons. Those guys can get pretty hard sometimes. What I recommend to
most folks is the Kodiak bear we have chained up out by the dumpsters. He gets angry every time
we bring him croutons. Now, a few customers were, allegedly, mauled by the bear, but I'd like to point out
they weren't wearing their protective goggles. But hey, maybe you're not a bear person! That’s totally fine, especially
considering our latest blade offering - a tungsten carbide tunnel drilling rig - is arriving this afternoon.
The Taiwanese mining company we bought it from has been tunneling through the earth for a week to get it here.
Do you feel that faint rumbling beneath your feet? Sounds like they're close.
You might want to brace yourself against the wood chipper.
Oh sorry, did you want bread?
HOW TO CONNECT TO THE GOGO IN FLIGHT WIFI
Step 1. Go to airborne.gogoinflight.com
Step 2. Select a WiFi Pass and enter your payment information.
Step 4. Click "Connect Now"
Step 5. You are now connected. If your connection is interrupted, this is due to air-to-ground signal interference, caused by one or more of the following factors:
Low Pressure Systems
High Pressure Systems
The accumulation of four or more clouds
Too much air
Woman blowing on tea in Sioux Falls
Displacement force of multiple textbooks simultaneously hitting the floor of a middle school classroom.
Feelings of limitless opportunity and/or uninhibited joy
Off-gasing from a cemetery
Electromagnetic field emanating from Benedict Cumberbatch
Step 6. If your connection is interrupted, please contact GoGo customer support at 1(877) 350-0038. You will be asked to provide the GPS coordinates at which you experienced interrupted service. A dispatcher will be sent to the ground location in 2-4 weeks. Please meet him there.
Step 7. Make your way to the location. Train travel is recommended. Once aboard, use your case file # to redeem a complimentary satchel of GoGo Tokens to access the GoGo On-Rail WiFi.
Step 8. If you experience signal interference while en route, please locate the nearest emergency exit escape hatch and hurl yourself off the moving train. Tumble down a ravine towards a frozen lake. Smash through the ice and let the weight of your GoGo Tokens pull you downward into the icy depths. Feel total darkness wrap your mind. You are now fully connected.
Stories behind things at the Love of Jesus Thrift Store in Richmond, VA