You might not know it, but I’m one of the most moderately proficient iMovie editors of our generation.
This piece went out to friends & family as a way of celebrating X-Mas 2020 and my son’s first word, “Abri,” which is Portuguese for “Open.”

FAILED MCSWEENEY’S SUBMISSIONS….

HOW TO CONNECT TO GOGO IN FLIGHT WIFI

Step 1. Go to airborne.gogoinflight.com

Step 2. Select a WiFi Pass and enter your payment information.

Step 3. Click "Connect Now"

Step 4. You are now connected.*

*If your connection is interrupted, you may be experiencing air-to-ground signal interference, due to one or more of the following:

• Atmospheric Discharge

• Low Pressure System

• High Pressure System

• Excess Wind

• The accumulation of four or more clouds

• Too much air

• Montana

• Woman blowing on tea in Sioux Falls

• Feelings of limitless opportunity and/or uninhibited joy

• Electromagnetic field emanating from Benedict Cumberbatch

• Displacement force of a deviled egg hitting the linoleum floor at an all you can eat truck stop buffet.

• Owls probably

At the first sign of signal interference, please contact a GoGo customer support agent at 1(877) 350-0038. You will be asked to provide the GPS coordinates at which air-to-ground signal interference occurred. A dispatcher will be sent to the ground location in 2-4 weeks. Please meet him there.

In the event your ground location is more than 250 miles from the nearest airport, train travel is recommended. Once aboard, you may use your case file # to redeem a complimentary satchel of GoGo Tokens to access the GoGo On-Rail WiFi.

If your GoGo On-Rail WiFi connection is interrupted, please locate the nearest emergency escape hatch and hurl yourself off the moving train. Tumble down a ravine towards a frozen lake. Smash through the ice and let the weight of your GoGo Tokens pull you into the icy depths. Feel total darkness wrap your mind. You are now fully connected.

WELCOME TO CHOP’T INNOVATION KITCHEN, HERE ARE YOUR PROTECTIVE GOGGLES

Hi there, what can I get started for you? A Cucumber Lemon Tahini? Great choice.
Did you want chickpeas? Olives? Light, medium or heavy on the dressing?
Ok, and did you want that Chop't today with our traditional double-bladed mezzaluna
or with the Mezzaluna Quattro, our concept chopper?

That’s right, four blades. This model does around 380 rpm. Yes of course it’s safe!
Ok, well, maybe I can interest you in one of our other blade offerings.
Ah, I can see you’re eyeing those big whirly blades behind me. Those are pneumatic,
which means they’re good for chopping arugula. Now, if you’re looking to get kale down
to a nice size, I'd recommend this laser guided Miter Saw. But you’ve got chickpeas in your
salad, so that's going to interfere with the laser's optical sighting.
If I were you, I’d go with this hydraulic robot arm wielding a Moroccan scimitar.

Hey, all good! The Innovation Kitchen isn't for everyone.
But don’t worry, yeah? We’re going to do everything we can to get your salad down to
manageable bites of unrecognizable chlorophyll pulp.
Hey Phil, you done with the chipper? Yeah just wheel it over here for me. Thanks.
Now, this may look like your standard SSI Model 2000-H Industrial Wood Chipper,
but it's been completely overhauled. You've got 16,000 lbs of torque powering four spinning drums
with interlocking steel teeth. As you can see, we've got it rigged up to a 12-foot conveyor belt for carrots,
but we can fairly quickly swap out that in-feed manifold and get your cucumbers going.

Whoa, are you bleeding? Did I not mention the massive pendulum blade that swings down from
the ceiling every 5 minutes? My bad. We use that sucker to strengthen the customer gene pool and chop cabbage.
You should be fine though. Leafy greens improve blood clotting.

Ok, let’s talk croutons. Those guys can get pretty hard sometimes. What I recommend to
most folks is the Kodiak bear we have chained up out by the dumpsters. He gets angry every time
we bring him croutons. Now, a few customers were allegedly mauled by the bear, but I'd like to point out
they weren't wearing their protective goggles. Fine, maybe you're not a bear person! You’ll be glad to know
our latest blade offering - a tungsten carbide tunnel drilling rig - is arriving this afternoon.
The Taiwanese mining company we bought it from has been tunneling through the earth for a week to get it here to Soho.
Do you feel that faint rumbling beneath your feet? Sounds like they're close.
You might want to brace yourself against the wood chipper.

Oh sorry, did you want bread?

HANDCRAFTED SLINGSHOTS CRAFTED BY HAND WHILE DRUNK ON MY PORCH: